You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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