If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
