I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
