My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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