i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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