I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
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