so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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