Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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