theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
