It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
