I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
