I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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