I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish i was in the wii world.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
