I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
