if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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