Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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