just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
