im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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