Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
