I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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