if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
