every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
