Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I supernannyed him into submission
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
