When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
