I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize