no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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