Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
