I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The adults are the big ones right?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
