Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
