it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
