i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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