You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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