She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
