i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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