I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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