I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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