Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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