I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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