She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
