You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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