ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Where is the hickey?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He? As in you personified your dick?
I have fence marks all over my body
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
