is your mom at the bar?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
