the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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