i wish my penis had a tongue
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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