You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
