He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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