If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
