yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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