You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Randomize