at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
