3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
