I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
