What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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