she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
