So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
