What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
