my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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