MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
