i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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